So I haven't written in a while. I have been in bed a lot and home feeling sorry for myself. Just kidding. I have joined the millions of other women who experience a torrent of emotions during the first trimester and I am sure never subsides completely.
I wonder if I will be good enough. I wonder if I will be able to meet my babies needs. I wonder if I will have the strength and stamina to meet the demands that are looming in my future. I wonder what kind of little kindred spirit is inside of me. I wonder about all of the logistics of how we are going to make this work. I wonder about a lot of things. I mean, I have lots of time. I lie awake at night with insomnia mulling the joys and symptoms I experience during this thing we call pregnancy.
I wonder a lot. I also am amazed at the whole process. So many times I read a book on pregnancy and just tear up in excitement and joy and amazement. I also tear up at the thought of giving birth. I am not going to lie. I am scared, but getting better. I have went through a little spurt where I was feeling guilty because I didn't feel so joyous all of the time because I was experiencing so many nasty symptoms and I just plain didn't feel good. Then that got me thinking, "Well why am I not excited to be having a baby? Why do I feel so down?" And then I really thought about it and that was a stupid thing to feel guilty about in the first place. I AM EXCITED....SUPER SUPER EXCITED but I just feel like c-r-u-d and that's OK not to be over joyous everyday.
The point is I have to give myself time to adjust to this new role I am stepping into just like anything else; and that's OK. It's OK that life has slowed down a bit and I am taking care of myself. It's OK that Dusty has to do dishes and cook (aka eat out) ;-) because I can't do it for a brief moment. That's life and that's why we are a team. It's OK to be a little frightened of the unexpected [read labor]. I know that the Lord is with me and that I was made to be a mother from the very beginning of my eternal being. THAT gives me great comfort in this time of great excitement, confusion, sickness and joy.
All of the women who have gone before me give me strength and courage and hope and love for what is to come. I am empowered as I think that I have been chosen to be a vessel for a sweet little spirit to call my own here on earth and throughout the eternities.