Sunday, July 11, 2010

Motherhood

I am so amazed each day at Colton's sweet, adventurous spirit. I love him so much and am just WOWED by his strength and abilities and personality! Oh, and he is SO handsome :-) I absolutely love being a mother.

It has taken me a while to be OK with the fact that motherhood got off to a rocky start for me. I had always imagined things a lot more different than they happened. Several BIG events happened all at the same time that weren't good news things and I felt like I never got the chance to enjoy the first little while of my first baby. I was also hit with post pardem depression which was TOTALLY unexpected and that jacked me up too. I have questioned my abilities so many times throughout the past 7 months and called my mother and sister more times than I have probably in my whole life. I am grateful for both of them and all of my girlfriends who have given me encouragement in just a exciting and transitional time in my life. I still get angry at times and sad when I think of how things "could have" been or "should have been" for me. It's easy for me to feel robbed of precious moments in the early days and it's tempting to feel that at times. However, when I step back and think of the kindness that others have so generously given me and my family and how much my Heavenly Father has taken care of me these past 7 months, I can't allow myself to feel that anger and it's replaced with an overwhelming love of motherhood and my ability to play such an important role. Each day through His help I am able to start replacing my uncertainties with strength and mommy intuition that is such an amazing gift.

Motherhood is the hardest thing I know I will ever do. It takes so much out of you but gives you so much. Sacrifice feels so good (most of the time....gotta keep it real here, naps and mommy time are needed too). It is so hard to imagine how such a tiny little body who needs everything from you can look at you a certain way, smile, babble and talk, learn something new and just make everything worth it.

Tonight as we settled down for bedtime, after some hilarious playtime outside where he was just laughing his heart out, I was rocking him to sleep telling him how much I loved him. I could feel his body getting heavier as he was sinking into a deep sleep. His tiny little hands made their way around my neck and over my shoulder and with a big sigh he was in a deep sleep. I couldn't let him go. I held him, pressing my cheek against his feeling his little body breathe in and out and felt my love for him shoot up and down my body and right out my tear ducts :-)

Each morning I am greeted with a song from Colton. He wakes up in such a good mood and ready to start the day. That helps me get out of bed. I love being his mother. I love how his zest for life and determined spirit just spill over into my day. There is so much to get done in a day. So much to juggle and work out. Good thing I am a creative person that is good at finding solutions :-)

The moments and pure joy and satisfaction I am able to experience with Colton now are helping get rid of those lingering icky feelings of not feeling like I got off on a great foot. What a lucky girl I am to be counted as a mother. What a lucky girl I am to have a son with such passion for life and is teaching me so much about perspective and fun and creativity (and patience!). Heavenly Father sure knew what he was doing with sending me such an amazing spirit.

1 comment:

Angela said...

Its easy to get caught up in the "should have beens" but we all know by now the Lord has his own plan. I feel like I "lost" 3 years of my life. Heck I could have four kids by now! But you know, it really doesn't matter. I've got my family, my trials and we're surviving!

It just keeps getting better so enjoy!!